Where Unwanted Things Wash Up

I've always been searching for some universal truth, because I thought if I could find it then I could become more. It's not that I didn't like who I was, only that I believed I could be better. 

After eighteen years of searching, I still haven't found it. 

I don't think I'm even close. And to be quite honest, I think I lost more than I found. The more I searched, the more I lost grip of myself. Soon enough, I was questioning myself instead of looking for answers. I was trying to force it out of me, alone. 

It didn't work. 

I began to think I was insignificant. I was just a stupid brat with nonsensical ideas. And that was when my health started to go downhill - both physically and mentally. 

Being ill has its ups and down. Many people have written about the downs and I am sure that each person has their own painful experience with it. So I will talk about the ups. 

For countless days, I would lay in bed and think. I had time afterall. And the thing is, when you're ill, you aren't as scared as you'd think. I could expand on ideas that frightened me in the past. So I stopped searched and thought about how I would never find a universal truth. I kept asking: Why? Like I was an irritating child whose curiosity knew no bounds. But I knew my boundaries. And soon, I found an answer that was right for me. 

A singular truth does not exist - that is why I will never find it. We all twist and turn our words and they lose their power. People use it to suit them whenever and however they like. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't do that. And maybe I'll never meet them. Nonetheless, I began to let it sink in that I was not capable of anything because I can't find a truth that suits everybody. 

Yet here I am. In the place where unwanted things wash up. And I love it here. That's why I want to expand this space within me and share it with you. 

This is a place for my thoughts that I believed had no place in the world. This is a sanctuary for me. For me to find myself again. For me to love myself. For me to bemoan life. For me to explain things that don't need explaining. For me to ramble on for ages and for you to realise that you maybe came to the wrong place. But I applaud you for making it this, and I thank you for listening to me. 

Maybe you'll realise this place is depressing and that you wasted time. But I'm willing to take that risk. Because maybe you'll relate with me and realise that this is a place for you too. And maybe through this blog, I will be able to reach you and help you. 

So let's find things together, in this place where unwanted things wash up.