I don't know who you are, but you are here to know me. From that, I assume that you are a nice person who is willing to give me a chance - which is why I want to share some experience and advice with you.
This weekend, I got a date with the boy I previously mentioned. I thought I wouldn't pursue it but as chances were, I did. There's a sense of vulgarity there, that I said one thing and did another. Hypocrisy, you might even say. But it was a moment of weakness, of loneliness, of validation.
Things went well, escalated at a rate I couldn't control. And he mentions that he has another girl in his life.
Immediately I pull away.
What does he mean?
I was naive. I assumed exclusivity was a given in any relationship. I made a mistake.
But then he made an offer.
He said, "I'm not expecting anything from you. If you want, we could do anything."
I'm a vulnerable person and I hate being that way. I knew I would cave if I answered, so I did what I could in the situation. I delayed my answer and said I needed time to think.
Someone wise once said that if you hesitate, then the answer is usually no. I disagree. I think that giving yourself time and space will let you come to an answer that you will not regret. Sure, I'm an emotional person who gets swayed easily but I am not impulsive. Those are completely different things.
At the moment, things are still unresolved. I feel sick thinking about it, about him. I know it's bad. I know I should refuse. I just don't know how.
I feel stupid and used even though we didn't do anything. But just the moments of intimacy, the fact that he made a move despite being in some form of a relationship, the way he said that he liked me; all of it feels so fabricated now. I need some form of outlet.
I don't know if anybody will read this, or if you're even willing to give advice on the matter. But I am torn to bits.
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