Of course, this is not where I was mentally. I think we should backtrack to summer.
Summer was not only the time of reconciliation, it was of repentance. I tried to think about what I could have done wrong with my relationships, and what I could do to make amends. He was on my mind more than the thought of eating. I would wake up in the morning and wonder: Is he doing okay? Did he find a job already? Has he moved out of that small flat?
These tiny thoughts accumulated into an obsession. I needed to see him again. I needed 'closure', as other people called it. But this wasn't closure. It was my loneliness that needed to be addressed.
Coming back to the tiny town, filled with bitter memories and a desperation to connect with somebody, I longed to be with him again. After all the emotional turmoil he put me through, I still believed it would be a smart idea to speak to him. Even though I knew he was manipulative, knew he didn't care how I felt, knew he probably moved on already - I wanted to see him.
I feel terrible that I ever made judgements about people in toxic relationships. I thought cutting people out would be easy because it would be healthy. But sometimes, doing what is right can hurt so much more than remaining in a routine of pain. He was becoming an unhealthy addiction even though he wasn't in my life anymore.
I wondered if I would ever move on, or if I'd be cursed to long for him the rest of my life. I would never be able to find somebody to love because I needed his validation more. Even now, it is a thought nibbling on the back of my mind.
But I went full-speed ahead.
I found a part-time job to earn my own money and become more independent; I bought a car so that I wouldn't be confined in this little area; I worked hard to make the jujitsu club flourish; I forced myself to socialise with new people so that I could gain better perspectives. And it was the last one that really pulled me through.
In a dingy pub in Scotland, a slightly tipsy girl wandered up to me. She was perfectly friendly, and I couldn't sense anything malicious from her, so I stood there and chatted. It was nice and casual - work and the weather - until she suddenly uttered: "So I heard about what happened between you and him."
What?
"Oh shit. I didn't tell you he stayed together with me over summer."
Okay...
"He told me everything."
Even though I explicitly told him not to. Great.
"And I think you're right. He's a total dick."
That wasn't what made me feel better though. I already knew he was a hypocrite, that he spread gossip, that he was a total dick.
"And he was sleeping with that other girl all summer. Punched my wall in my brand new flat as well."
Ah.
Another girl.
It's always the same for him. He never changes. It's always just changing company. I was never really a passing thought for him. All this time, I've been pining. All this time, I've been losing my head. I've been so stupid. And finally, all the longing, the pain, the anger dissipated.
I hope I don't see him again.
1. Because he's not right for me.
2. Because it brings up bad memories.
3. Because I've weak. And I could want him again.
Healing is a process. But it's also not a straight line. (I've learnt this the hard way.) It's a spiral, and sometimes you go back to the bad place and fall. You'll re-emerge though. It just takes time and effort.
It'll almost be half a year now. I'm still on the way to being better. Every challenge that appears, I sometimes do wish I had him with me. But I'll be strong enough one day not to think like that. I can handle it. Or even better, I might be in a good enough place to be with somebody else. That would be nice. I'll keep you posted until then.
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