Where I Am Terrified

I'm scared of a lot of things: puppets, losing things, making life-changing decision... The list goes on.

So one of the things I'm going to tackle is my fear. And to do so requires courage. 

This was a quote I remembered from Princess Diaries, but apparently it's from Roosevelt. All the more impressive I guess. 

Basically what I've done is pick something I know is within my limitations here at university. So I choose to confront pain and embarrassment, through joining the Jujitsu club. (It's a Japanese martial art, not to be confused with Brazilian style jujitsu.) I thought that by joining, I could maybe overcome some of the fear that has become part of me. I always watch those dramatic moments when somebody realises that they have overcome their weakness through fighting, so I thought: let's try that. 

The purpose of jujitsu was to bring balance to my life by unbalancing me. It's a wonderful paradox. But that's all on paper. I did not expect it to be what it was. 

Jujitsu involves a lot of pain. And I thought the worst part would be getting hurt. It's not; it's hurting other people. 

Administering pain takes more courage than receiving pain. I'm pretty sure with the amount of screw-ups I've had by now, nobody wants to be my partner. Controlling how much pain you give is not pleasant, neither is it easy. There's a reason why there aren't many black belts floating about. 

Joining meant a commitment (which I am also afraid of) but it also meant being part of a group. I have been alone for so long I thought it would be awkward to blend in with other people. But the positive side of me thought it would be a good idea to join in the socials anyway, try to be approachable. I maintained this outlook, until I met - I can't even say it. I've been laughed at so many times for being unable to utter that damn word. It's what you call a senior/upperclassman in Japanese. 

He was - is still - very nice. And he made me feel cared for. He's honestly the reason I joined (but I'll never tell him that). 

He kept talking to me even though I was afraid of opening my mouth. He reached out, literally, to take my hand - just to look at my nonexistent muscles. He shared the same interest in poetry as me, which was a pleasant surprise. I feel like I took advantage of that so I concentrated my all on training. No matter where I was on the mat, I would always keep my eyes away from him. 

Thus, began my days of physical and mental torture, where I humiliated myself by being unable to do a back roll and then staying silent while everybody else around me sang and danced. I would wake up in the morning for lectures and feel my back straining. Sometimes I would end up with a lace of bruises around me. I kept slamming my head on the mat too - likely that didn't bruise. 

For our warm-ups, everybody gets into a circle to practice break falls and I would always be in the center, for everyone to watch as I failed. I mean, you could say it's an opportunity to overcome my fear of self-consciousness. Or you could say it's just cruel. 

But honestly, I'm sure you guys don't care about the specifics of jujitsu and my ongoing training. The truth is, I'm not either. You might think I'm being disrespectful, but this is a step forward in my journey to find myself. 

I, for the first time in my life, am going to ask a guy out. 

I know. It's stupid. It's not even a milestone at my age, but I'm scared anyway. I even thought about getting drunk and just calling him. It might make it easier. 

My heart is thumping just thinking about it. I've decided I'll ask tomorrow. Utter rejection is a step in the right direction, so is surprise acceptance. I need to keep in mind that I'm just asking him out - I'm not asking for his hand in marriage. I need to calm down. 

I feel really immature and ugly today. I feel dumb and superficial. I feel tired. 

I want somebody to do everything for me. I want some response, you know? God, I'm praying to you if it counts. Please, let it be. 

So how much do you guys bet I'll chicken out? 

I can't think like that, huh? I just have to go out and do it. At least you guys can be sure that I'll be documenting this as I go through it. And please, do feel free to give me advice because I sure as heck don't have any for myself. 

Where Everything Is Ahead

You don't know much about me so I thought I could lead with that today.

I am an English undergraduate, studying in Scotland. And it's beautiful here, but at university it isn't the location that matters most. At least not where I am. It's about prestige.

While lectures are insightful, they are over-complicated. I am often made to think that my opinion is of no significance, and that I should be reading critical essays more so than novels which I enjoy. 

I feel inferior, more often than not, in the area in which I am supposed to excel. All the friends that I have managed to make seem to more people to be overshadowed by. Sometimes, I can't help but feel contempt. 

'I'm writing my own novel.' 

'I published my poems.'

'I won a literary prize.'

'I'm student ambassador.' 

I share in their joy, of course. But sometimes I feel like it's too much and I'm drowning in my own uselessness. I can't do any of that. In fact, I'm doing lots of extra work just to keep up. I barely have time to enjoy student life.

For goodness sake, I write fanfiction! I'm writing gay unacknowledged fanfiction and they're winning laureates. I feel so behind. And I used to be okay with that because I thought: at least I'm having fun.

Writing is this artistic form that I've come to love. But ever since coming to this place, I feel the joy being sucked out of me. I don't know what I'm writing, and more importantly, I don't know what I'm writing for.

I have this friend who is your stereotypical scientist. As if to contrast him, I have a friend who is your stereotypical artist. I have to thank my stars for them, because they sent me on this path. Yet when I'm next to them, I feel worthless.

Do you need validation to be a person? I think I do. But is it just me? Is that a problem? Is that when I need to start seeing a therapist? 

Looking at it, it seems like I'm bitter. Maybe I am. But I don't want to be. 

It feels like I'm caught in a limbo and I can't escape. I thought this blog would be a place I could escape to, fade into anonymity or even be acknowledged as somebody that I am not. No matter how many steps I take towards becoming somebody, I get lost along the way. 

Do you ever feel that way? Or is it just me being pathetic? 

Scotland is a great place to get lost.

The air is always nipping at your skin, the sun is barely there, the thick accents of locals make you feel so different and you find yourself in the open. You're always just there, with nothing else to help you. I thought it would be therapeutic or even romantic, but after spending months in the same open space, with the whistling of the cold air being the only music you hear, I think it can drive people insane.

I used to think that this was a fake Scotland. Scotland is industrial, full of enthusiastic people and chippies everywhere. But the Scotland I find myself in is desolate. It's quite far from this picture I found online and maybe I'll share the views from where I am with you. One day.

You should really come visit. 

Saying that, I went to Tokyo during my winter break. It's a great city, full of fun things in every corner and I found myself just as lost. The lights that I craved from the countryside of Scotland was so blinding that I got confused. I could see how beautiful it was and how I could be happy there, yet I wasn't. I couldn't make myself happy. 

That's when I thought: am I clinically depressed?

But I was too scared to venture that far. So for now, you can be my judge. You can be my friend who won't put pressure on me. You can be my critic, my teacher. You can push me further.

You should tell me what I should write about next. My trip? My friends? My writing? My life?

You should also tell me how to blog, because I clearly suck at this.

Where Unwanted Things Wash Up

I've always been searching for some universal truth, because I thought if I could find it then I could become more. It's not that I didn't like who I was, only that I believed I could be better. 

After eighteen years of searching, I still haven't found it. 

I don't think I'm even close. And to be quite honest, I think I lost more than I found. The more I searched, the more I lost grip of myself. Soon enough, I was questioning myself instead of looking for answers. I was trying to force it out of me, alone. 

It didn't work. 

I began to think I was insignificant. I was just a stupid brat with nonsensical ideas. And that was when my health started to go downhill - both physically and mentally. 

Being ill has its ups and down. Many people have written about the downs and I am sure that each person has their own painful experience with it. So I will talk about the ups. 

For countless days, I would lay in bed and think. I had time afterall. And the thing is, when you're ill, you aren't as scared as you'd think. I could expand on ideas that frightened me in the past. So I stopped searched and thought about how I would never find a universal truth. I kept asking: Why? Like I was an irritating child whose curiosity knew no bounds. But I knew my boundaries. And soon, I found an answer that was right for me. 

A singular truth does not exist - that is why I will never find it. We all twist and turn our words and they lose their power. People use it to suit them whenever and however they like. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't do that. And maybe I'll never meet them. Nonetheless, I began to let it sink in that I was not capable of anything because I can't find a truth that suits everybody. 

Yet here I am. In the place where unwanted things wash up. And I love it here. That's why I want to expand this space within me and share it with you. 

This is a place for my thoughts that I believed had no place in the world. This is a sanctuary for me. For me to find myself again. For me to love myself. For me to bemoan life. For me to explain things that don't need explaining. For me to ramble on for ages and for you to realise that you maybe came to the wrong place. But I applaud you for making it this, and I thank you for listening to me. 

Maybe you'll realise this place is depressing and that you wasted time. But I'm willing to take that risk. Because maybe you'll relate with me and realise that this is a place for you too. And maybe through this blog, I will be able to reach you and help you. 

So let's find things together, in this place where unwanted things wash up.