Where I Feel Used

I've been pretty honest about my romantic pursuits on this blog, so I think it is only fair that I tell you the result of them.

If you have read the previous blogs, then you will know I had my eye on this one guy for a long time. And I planned to ask him out, then failed dramatically. Well, a month ago, I somewhat succeeded.

I've never been the social type of person. I don't do well in parties, especially not being the odd one out by not drinking. I'm not advocating peer pressure at all, but in those situations, it's difficult not to be influenced. So I had a drink. And me, being the lightweight who never drinks, feels all fluttery and confident. (Now I just feel stupid and am put off drinking ever again.) Feeling that much confidence means I, of course, go and speak to the person I've been pining over.

We hit it off.

We really did. We talked about everything. It got intense quite quickly, and the flirting didn't go over my head no matter how tipsy I was. So when he told me he could walk me home, I jumped at the chance.

I've never had anybody show interest in me. I've never been in a relationship before. Everything is new and shiny. And he walked me home like a perfect gentleman and then asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I say yes.

That night was conflicting enough as it was. When I was home and had wiped off all the remnants of the night, I couldn't tell if he wanted a solid friendship or if I was walking into something different entirely. And I had to keep in mind that he wouldn't be here for long. How would this influence me? How would he feel? How do I feel?

I'm not exactly in the best position to speak, but I think if you ever feel conflicted in this way, just go for whatever you feel is right. It doesn't necessarily have to be the best decision (trust me on this), but it means you won't regret it.

For me, the best decision was to chance it. So the next night, I was around at his house to watch a movie. Again, a stupid, naive decision, but nonetheless I did it. I didn't know what to expect but he made a move pretty quickly. I was pleasantly surprised and tried to enjoy myself, until he pulled away and told me that he was seeing other people.

It wasn't so much of a slap to the face as it was a what-the-actual-fuck moment.

You can imagine that after wanting something for so long and having it all in my head, then having it crush and burn so quickly, I was pretty shaken up. The logical choice in this moment in time would have been to walk out of there like a diva, because you should never have to deal with this - especially if you've never experienced this before. But I gave it a shot, like the many times I have already, and listened to him explain.

He's a player. There's no way around it.

I am not. I haven't even been intimate with anybody. Our interests are conflicted and misaligned, yet the attraction was real. I didn't know what to do, so I suggested we get to know each other a bit better before I make a decision.

You know, when somebody admits to you that they are a player, you should really put your guard up. But I was blinded by the preconception of romance. Simply put, I was stupid.

And I dragged it out until now.

Now, I feel stupid. I feel hurt. I feel used.

Rationally, I shouldn't be feeling any of this. Because I never really knew him, I only invested a little amount of time into him, I definitely wasn't in love with him. He wasn't exactly Prince Charming either, no matter how much I tried to make him into one. He's more of a Beast.

We ended on very good terms, because we both wanted to stay friends and enjoy each other's company. But of course, after this whole debacle, it's a little difficult to not be awkward around one other. We need to hold back a little.

So this is my withdrawal stage. I feel like crap. And although I'm not heartbroken, I feel awful. Mainly because the other day, I met the girl he's seeing (probably officially now). And as much as I advocate feminism and not dragging others down, I easily found myself comparing us. It felt disgusting to be doing that and to have to acknowledge that he chose her. I mean, I did the breaking up but he went to her. Does that make any sense?

In the long term, I know this is best for me. I deserve more than the less than half attention he gave to me. I still care for him, but I know that one day I will stop. It just hurts right now. It hurts so much that I consider messaging him just to see his face. But I can't. I need to stay where I am, stay strong, stay confident.

My self-esteem is in the gutter right now. All his words seem to add up to nothing, yet I crave it. I'm this starved, pathetic creature that nobody loves. I just have to be okay with it.

And whoever you are, I want you to know that this is one of the lowest I have felt. Even so, I need to cling onto the hope that there are better people out there. And you, reading this right now, deserve more as well. So one day, when I look back at this experience, I'll be able to say I learned my lesson, and that I am happy.
 

Where I Am Snowed In

So it seems even the world doesn't want me to have a date.

Storm Emma hit everyone in Scotland hard, but it hit me right in the heart.

I'm stranded in my room with barely any food, but I'm glad that I'm with flatmates whom I trust. People have raided the tiny Tesco metro close to where I live and I am not venturing any further out at risk of death. It's been tough living on potatoes for the past two days but I know it's been worse for others. I hope everybody is safe and warm.

Getting back to the question at hand, I have no idea where my courage went. It seems the storm blew it away. And I'm terrified of finding it again.

Worst part is, I found out he's going to leave this year. That leaves me with two months, barely any time to get to know somebody you like. I can feel the motivation ebbing away.

I need advice. Maybe I should call a therapist. You may be thinking: why not ask your friends? Because they're either snakes or they're too busy dating. I can't believe this has become my life.

I don't remember a time in my life where I was so devoid of friendship. My flatmates feel the same way and you would think that might unite us, but no. We seem to live our lives peacefully and individually. We come together for dinner, for a small blether, but never anything more.

I wish somebody out there could give me something more. Anybody. Man, I am way too desperate. That's definitely not going to work for the dating scene.

Where I Am Terrified

I'm scared of a lot of things: puppets, losing things, making life-changing decision... The list goes on.

So one of the things I'm going to tackle is my fear. And to do so requires courage. 

This was a quote I remembered from Princess Diaries, but apparently it's from Roosevelt. All the more impressive I guess. 

Basically what I've done is pick something I know is within my limitations here at university. So I choose to confront pain and embarrassment, through joining the Jujitsu club. (It's a Japanese martial art, not to be confused with Brazilian style jujitsu.) I thought that by joining, I could maybe overcome some of the fear that has become part of me. I always watch those dramatic moments when somebody realises that they have overcome their weakness through fighting, so I thought: let's try that. 

The purpose of jujitsu was to bring balance to my life by unbalancing me. It's a wonderful paradox. But that's all on paper. I did not expect it to be what it was. 

Jujitsu involves a lot of pain. And I thought the worst part would be getting hurt. It's not; it's hurting other people. 

Administering pain takes more courage than receiving pain. I'm pretty sure with the amount of screw-ups I've had by now, nobody wants to be my partner. Controlling how much pain you give is not pleasant, neither is it easy. There's a reason why there aren't many black belts floating about. 

Joining meant a commitment (which I am also afraid of) but it also meant being part of a group. I have been alone for so long I thought it would be awkward to blend in with other people. But the positive side of me thought it would be a good idea to join in the socials anyway, try to be approachable. I maintained this outlook, until I met - I can't even say it. I've been laughed at so many times for being unable to utter that damn word. It's what you call a senior/upperclassman in Japanese. 

He was - is still - very nice. And he made me feel cared for. He's honestly the reason I joined (but I'll never tell him that). 

He kept talking to me even though I was afraid of opening my mouth. He reached out, literally, to take my hand - just to look at my nonexistent muscles. He shared the same interest in poetry as me, which was a pleasant surprise. I feel like I took advantage of that so I concentrated my all on training. No matter where I was on the mat, I would always keep my eyes away from him. 

Thus, began my days of physical and mental torture, where I humiliated myself by being unable to do a back roll and then staying silent while everybody else around me sang and danced. I would wake up in the morning for lectures and feel my back straining. Sometimes I would end up with a lace of bruises around me. I kept slamming my head on the mat too - likely that didn't bruise. 

For our warm-ups, everybody gets into a circle to practice break falls and I would always be in the center, for everyone to watch as I failed. I mean, you could say it's an opportunity to overcome my fear of self-consciousness. Or you could say it's just cruel. 

But honestly, I'm sure you guys don't care about the specifics of jujitsu and my ongoing training. The truth is, I'm not either. You might think I'm being disrespectful, but this is a step forward in my journey to find myself. 

I, for the first time in my life, am going to ask a guy out. 

I know. It's stupid. It's not even a milestone at my age, but I'm scared anyway. I even thought about getting drunk and just calling him. It might make it easier. 

My heart is thumping just thinking about it. I've decided I'll ask tomorrow. Utter rejection is a step in the right direction, so is surprise acceptance. I need to keep in mind that I'm just asking him out - I'm not asking for his hand in marriage. I need to calm down. 

I feel really immature and ugly today. I feel dumb and superficial. I feel tired. 

I want somebody to do everything for me. I want some response, you know? God, I'm praying to you if it counts. Please, let it be. 

So how much do you guys bet I'll chicken out? 

I can't think like that, huh? I just have to go out and do it. At least you guys can be sure that I'll be documenting this as I go through it. And please, do feel free to give me advice because I sure as heck don't have any for myself.