Nowadays I'm trying to write freely. (Meaning that I write whatever springs to mind: fanfiction, poetry, prose fiction, journals, blogs.) It does help keep me sane.
So in these past weeks I have been updating my profiles on both fanfiction.net and archiveofourown. (Please feel free to look me up and read some bad writing. It's under the same name.) But with being active on the internet, I found that I've become more prone to judging myself and listening to other's opinions instead of my own.
I don't know if you've heard of 'Anna Karenina', or even if you've tried to read it. Actually, no. Don't read it. It's long and dull. But I had to, and with reading came research. The author of 'Anna Karenina', Leo Tolstoy, serialized the chapters of his massive novel. And with each chapter, he listened to the reviews of his readership and then adjusted the plot or the theme or the characterisation.
My question is: Is that really his own writing if he was influenced by others?
You could argue that writing a 350,000 word novel and a gay fanfiction is very different, but I say that writing is writing.
I don't know if I should be swayed.
And the harsh critics have a point. But it's my decision whether to compromise or not. I feel extremely conflicted, because I love my reviews. Absolutely adore their opinion. But I also love my writing.
Writing is my way of expression. Should I really be so daunted by the fact that other people want to change it?
There are so many questions that linger in the air, and it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I open up a word document and stare at the blank page for a full minute, wondering if I should be writing at all. And if I did write, would it be any good? Would anybody else find it good? Is it worth the trouble?
I started writing because I enjoyed it - and because I was desperate to get Mikan and Natsume marry. That was when I was very young. Even now, I remember how elated I was when I got my first ever review. I felt valued. And now, I don't really know if I'm writing for readers or for myself.
My latest endeavors: How To Tell Your Brother You've Been Dating His Best Friend and How to Babysit Lovino Vargas, have been received positively. And I am so glad they are because I worked quite hard on them. I am also adamant that my planning stay what it is, so that I will not change my opinion.
Fanfiction is wonderful for me because the characters already exist but I get the chance to make them my own. It's like borrowing a costume and acting out my own scenes. While it's so much fun for me, I feel as though I'll hit a wall soon. And once I do, people will turn away from my writing.
That would be the absolute tragedy.
So tell me, what should I do?
Where do I find the place I can write? Where my ideas can flow freely? Where I feel free?
