Where I Stay

Finally, I have reached the end of my university year which I had so anticipated, only now I don't seem to want to leave. The peaceful hills and crumbling buildings of Scotland now allure me more than anything else, and I seem not to want to leave the place that has tortured me. But it is so beautiful that the remnants of my heartbreak seem not to matter.

I still haven't cried. Maybe I never cared that much for him, or maybe I am still raw from how he tore me up. Maybe I am too numb, too unfeeling to know how to cry anymore.

It's addictive to begin thinking of ways to confront your own fears. It's as if you're deliberately creating drama around yourself but it's not. It's cathartic to do so. I need something big so that I never have to look back again. Yet all I am seeing is him, with a beautiful girl next to him, in the beautiful backdrop of Scotland.

People have been telling me that it takes time to heal, but people never mention what to do with it.

I have busied myself with studies and now they are over. I have pampered myself with treats and now I feel ugly. I have spent time with friends only to realise how lonely I am and how needy I have become. So tell me, what am I to do?

Each time, I come back to this haunting vision of the girl. She has the silkiest blonde hair and the most brilliant azure eyes I have ever seen - if there was anybody that could act the princess, it would be her. And from the description of her, she seems a shy but sweet girl. And she has him.

I like to think she had the same choice to make as I did, and she decided to stay. I had to leave, just as I have to go home now. This pleasant town will be rid of the remnants of my experiences when I return for the next year. I've always hated the expression: turn over a new leaf, or the whole New Year's resolution. But I guess we all have to start somewhere.

I've become the girl I never wanted to be, and now the only way is up.

I leave in two days, and I think I'm going to say goodbye to him. I'll pluck the courage from within me and face him. I'll tell him: Thank you for giving me this learning experience, and I hope you find what you're looking for. Then I can be stronger, become the woman I need to be, with the life I deserve.

The world is so much more than this coastal town and university studies and stupid fuckboys. It really isn't. I know this and I can do this.

I stay and I leave.