Where I Go Back

I thought I'd never see him again.

On my final day, suitcase and all, he comes to my flat. He tells me he broke up with the other girl, that I was always the one because I tried to get to know him, that he would like to have asked me out properly. He said all the things I wanted him to say.

If only this came earlier.

I am not a strong-willed person. I am weak, but everybody has been right. Time does change your perspective on things. His validation made me feel great, but it is manipulation. To do this to me on such short notice, to take advantage of being option two, to try to lower my self-esteem once again - that's really low.

Yet I couldn't help but let him in, comfort him with hushed tones, reassure him that I was here.

Never did I expect this chance to arise. Never did I expect me to react this way. Never did I expect him to break his friendship with me.

What does that even mean? Am I not even enough to respect? Or is he just that bad of a person? All of the options are awful.

Most of all, I am numb.

I don't feel an amplitude of emotions, in fact I feel nothing. I don't know how I am supposed to face him, talk to him, react to him. Nothing makes much sense anymore.

Here I am now, away from the countryside which I thought was refuge, but it brings me more frustration to think about it. I had finally begun to move on and now I've been pulled back. It was better when he was with somebody else, not giving me the validation I needed.

Being in my home now feels restraining. I want to go back and speak to him but I don't know if that's the desperation talking. I've been doing what everybody tells me to do: give it time. Yet sitting still has not been helping me at all.

There are so many details to run through, so many plans to transpire, so many issues to address. The worst part is that he is a fuckboy who does not care, but I am a girl who does.

I need time to heal again.

I've gone back to the same place again. There is no peace for me. But there will be.