Where I Feel Used

I've been pretty honest about my romantic pursuits on this blog, so I think it is only fair that I tell you the result of them.

If you have read the previous blogs, then you will know I had my eye on this one guy for a long time. And I planned to ask him out, then failed dramatically. Well, a month ago, I somewhat succeeded.

I've never been the social type of person. I don't do well in parties, especially not being the odd one out by not drinking. I'm not advocating peer pressure at all, but in those situations, it's difficult not to be influenced. So I had a drink. And me, being the lightweight who never drinks, feels all fluttery and confident. (Now I just feel stupid and am put off drinking ever again.) Feeling that much confidence means I, of course, go and speak to the person I've been pining over.

We hit it off.

We really did. We talked about everything. It got intense quite quickly, and the flirting didn't go over my head no matter how tipsy I was. So when he told me he could walk me home, I jumped at the chance.

I've never had anybody show interest in me. I've never been in a relationship before. Everything is new and shiny. And he walked me home like a perfect gentleman and then asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I say yes.

That night was conflicting enough as it was. When I was home and had wiped off all the remnants of the night, I couldn't tell if he wanted a solid friendship or if I was walking into something different entirely. And I had to keep in mind that he wouldn't be here for long. How would this influence me? How would he feel? How do I feel?

I'm not exactly in the best position to speak, but I think if you ever feel conflicted in this way, just go for whatever you feel is right. It doesn't necessarily have to be the best decision (trust me on this), but it means you won't regret it.

For me, the best decision was to chance it. So the next night, I was around at his house to watch a movie. Again, a stupid, naive decision, but nonetheless I did it. I didn't know what to expect but he made a move pretty quickly. I was pleasantly surprised and tried to enjoy myself, until he pulled away and told me that he was seeing other people.

It wasn't so much of a slap to the face as it was a what-the-actual-fuck moment.

You can imagine that after wanting something for so long and having it all in my head, then having it crush and burn so quickly, I was pretty shaken up. The logical choice in this moment in time would have been to walk out of there like a diva, because you should never have to deal with this - especially if you've never experienced this before. But I gave it a shot, like the many times I have already, and listened to him explain.

He's a player. There's no way around it.

I am not. I haven't even been intimate with anybody. Our interests are conflicted and misaligned, yet the attraction was real. I didn't know what to do, so I suggested we get to know each other a bit better before I make a decision.

You know, when somebody admits to you that they are a player, you should really put your guard up. But I was blinded by the preconception of romance. Simply put, I was stupid.

And I dragged it out until now.

Now, I feel stupid. I feel hurt. I feel used.

Rationally, I shouldn't be feeling any of this. Because I never really knew him, I only invested a little amount of time into him, I definitely wasn't in love with him. He wasn't exactly Prince Charming either, no matter how much I tried to make him into one. He's more of a Beast.

We ended on very good terms, because we both wanted to stay friends and enjoy each other's company. But of course, after this whole debacle, it's a little difficult to not be awkward around one other. We need to hold back a little.

So this is my withdrawal stage. I feel like crap. And although I'm not heartbroken, I feel awful. Mainly because the other day, I met the girl he's seeing (probably officially now). And as much as I advocate feminism and not dragging others down, I easily found myself comparing us. It felt disgusting to be doing that and to have to acknowledge that he chose her. I mean, I did the breaking up but he went to her. Does that make any sense?

In the long term, I know this is best for me. I deserve more than the less than half attention he gave to me. I still care for him, but I know that one day I will stop. It just hurts right now. It hurts so much that I consider messaging him just to see his face. But I can't. I need to stay where I am, stay strong, stay confident.

My self-esteem is in the gutter right now. All his words seem to add up to nothing, yet I crave it. I'm this starved, pathetic creature that nobody loves. I just have to be okay with it.

And whoever you are, I want you to know that this is one of the lowest I have felt. Even so, I need to cling onto the hope that there are better people out there. And you, reading this right now, deserve more as well. So one day, when I look back at this experience, I'll be able to say I learned my lesson, and that I am happy.
 

Where My Efforts Go

Dear lovely people reading this,

I feel exceedingly bad that this blog - although it does document my journey in life and growing personality - has become a place for me to complain about the issues in my life. I never hope to use the word 'unfair' here. It's not a concept I believe in and I don't think it would benefit me or you darling readers in any way. At the same time, I don't want to sugar-coat things and tell you my life is going great because that would be lying - which I am 100% against.

So what am I going to rant about today? Well, it's something that upset me today.

As you know, I write a lot. In a day, I probably write a minimum of 10,000 words - but that's because I'm an English student and it's expected of me. Also, I'm not saying that any of my 10,000 words will be any good. They usually end up in the bin. I put in a lot of effort into my writing because I enjoy it and I really do think it's an outlet for me, especially creative writing. So you can imagine why it's such a big shock for me when I get my essay back and the feedback literally says: 'needs proofreading'.

Excuse me while I mentally choke something.

I'm not angry at my teacher, just at myself. Because damn it, I proofread so many times and I still make mistakes.

And while I was having a mini-meltdown in the classroom, I realised that I've been spending too much time in the world of fanfiction (again). This essay that I wrote was half-filled with concepts and ideas that I used in my own creative writing. And that was when my anger dissipated into disappointment, then into embarrassment, then into shame.

How could I have been so stupid as to neglect my own education?

Yet I can't leave my blog, or my fanfiction, or my poetry, or my reading alone. They genuinely bring me joy. How was I supposed to give it all up?

It doesn't help that one of my best friends who lives far away from me sent me a message saying she was worried about me. She certainly had the right to be, but I was more concerned by the fact that I had been seen through. Even miles away, she could see something was wrong. And I was touched by her concern.

I've felt like nothing's gone right these past few months. I feel like I've made no progress and that really demoralises me. When I thought that there was someone out there who cared, it made me desperate. I instantly wanted to reconnect with her. I don't know if you've ever felt this starved for human contact in your life, but it's a pretty sad thing.

I don't want to rely on her, but I also don't want to be sad. So I decided not to see her.

Maybe I'll regret it later. Maybe, like the essay, I'll realise I made a horrific mistake. Maybe I won't. But at least this is my decision.

Do you think this is a twisted way of thinking? Because sometimes I do. I feel like I've gone too far with this. Yet at the same time i can't stop. It's addictive to 'be yourself'. It's addictive to find myself, even when I'm buried ten feet under.

I don't plan to stop - with writing either. And I can only hope you don't give up on me.