Where I Stay

Finally, I have reached the end of my university year which I had so anticipated, only now I don't seem to want to leave. The peaceful hills and crumbling buildings of Scotland now allure me more than anything else, and I seem not to want to leave the place that has tortured me. But it is so beautiful that the remnants of my heartbreak seem not to matter.

I still haven't cried. Maybe I never cared that much for him, or maybe I am still raw from how he tore me up. Maybe I am too numb, too unfeeling to know how to cry anymore.

It's addictive to begin thinking of ways to confront your own fears. It's as if you're deliberately creating drama around yourself but it's not. It's cathartic to do so. I need something big so that I never have to look back again. Yet all I am seeing is him, with a beautiful girl next to him, in the beautiful backdrop of Scotland.

People have been telling me that it takes time to heal, but people never mention what to do with it.

I have busied myself with studies and now they are over. I have pampered myself with treats and now I feel ugly. I have spent time with friends only to realise how lonely I am and how needy I have become. So tell me, what am I to do?

Each time, I come back to this haunting vision of the girl. She has the silkiest blonde hair and the most brilliant azure eyes I have ever seen - if there was anybody that could act the princess, it would be her. And from the description of her, she seems a shy but sweet girl. And she has him.

I like to think she had the same choice to make as I did, and she decided to stay. I had to leave, just as I have to go home now. This pleasant town will be rid of the remnants of my experiences when I return for the next year. I've always hated the expression: turn over a new leaf, or the whole New Year's resolution. But I guess we all have to start somewhere.

I've become the girl I never wanted to be, and now the only way is up.

I leave in two days, and I think I'm going to say goodbye to him. I'll pluck the courage from within me and face him. I'll tell him: Thank you for giving me this learning experience, and I hope you find what you're looking for. Then I can be stronger, become the woman I need to be, with the life I deserve.

The world is so much more than this coastal town and university studies and stupid fuckboys. It really isn't. I know this and I can do this.

I stay and I leave.

Where I Feel Used

I've been pretty honest about my romantic pursuits on this blog, so I think it is only fair that I tell you the result of them.

If you have read the previous blogs, then you will know I had my eye on this one guy for a long time. And I planned to ask him out, then failed dramatically. Well, a month ago, I somewhat succeeded.

I've never been the social type of person. I don't do well in parties, especially not being the odd one out by not drinking. I'm not advocating peer pressure at all, but in those situations, it's difficult not to be influenced. So I had a drink. And me, being the lightweight who never drinks, feels all fluttery and confident. (Now I just feel stupid and am put off drinking ever again.) Feeling that much confidence means I, of course, go and speak to the person I've been pining over.

We hit it off.

We really did. We talked about everything. It got intense quite quickly, and the flirting didn't go over my head no matter how tipsy I was. So when he told me he could walk me home, I jumped at the chance.

I've never had anybody show interest in me. I've never been in a relationship before. Everything is new and shiny. And he walked me home like a perfect gentleman and then asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I say yes.

That night was conflicting enough as it was. When I was home and had wiped off all the remnants of the night, I couldn't tell if he wanted a solid friendship or if I was walking into something different entirely. And I had to keep in mind that he wouldn't be here for long. How would this influence me? How would he feel? How do I feel?

I'm not exactly in the best position to speak, but I think if you ever feel conflicted in this way, just go for whatever you feel is right. It doesn't necessarily have to be the best decision (trust me on this), but it means you won't regret it.

For me, the best decision was to chance it. So the next night, I was around at his house to watch a movie. Again, a stupid, naive decision, but nonetheless I did it. I didn't know what to expect but he made a move pretty quickly. I was pleasantly surprised and tried to enjoy myself, until he pulled away and told me that he was seeing other people.

It wasn't so much of a slap to the face as it was a what-the-actual-fuck moment.

You can imagine that after wanting something for so long and having it all in my head, then having it crush and burn so quickly, I was pretty shaken up. The logical choice in this moment in time would have been to walk out of there like a diva, because you should never have to deal with this - especially if you've never experienced this before. But I gave it a shot, like the many times I have already, and listened to him explain.

He's a player. There's no way around it.

I am not. I haven't even been intimate with anybody. Our interests are conflicted and misaligned, yet the attraction was real. I didn't know what to do, so I suggested we get to know each other a bit better before I make a decision.

You know, when somebody admits to you that they are a player, you should really put your guard up. But I was blinded by the preconception of romance. Simply put, I was stupid.

And I dragged it out until now.

Now, I feel stupid. I feel hurt. I feel used.

Rationally, I shouldn't be feeling any of this. Because I never really knew him, I only invested a little amount of time into him, I definitely wasn't in love with him. He wasn't exactly Prince Charming either, no matter how much I tried to make him into one. He's more of a Beast.

We ended on very good terms, because we both wanted to stay friends and enjoy each other's company. But of course, after this whole debacle, it's a little difficult to not be awkward around one other. We need to hold back a little.

So this is my withdrawal stage. I feel like crap. And although I'm not heartbroken, I feel awful. Mainly because the other day, I met the girl he's seeing (probably officially now). And as much as I advocate feminism and not dragging others down, I easily found myself comparing us. It felt disgusting to be doing that and to have to acknowledge that he chose her. I mean, I did the breaking up but he went to her. Does that make any sense?

In the long term, I know this is best for me. I deserve more than the less than half attention he gave to me. I still care for him, but I know that one day I will stop. It just hurts right now. It hurts so much that I consider messaging him just to see his face. But I can't. I need to stay where I am, stay strong, stay confident.

My self-esteem is in the gutter right now. All his words seem to add up to nothing, yet I crave it. I'm this starved, pathetic creature that nobody loves. I just have to be okay with it.

And whoever you are, I want you to know that this is one of the lowest I have felt. Even so, I need to cling onto the hope that there are better people out there. And you, reading this right now, deserve more as well. So one day, when I look back at this experience, I'll be able to say I learned my lesson, and that I am happy.
 

Where I Am Weak

I don't know who you are, but you are here to know me. From that, I assume that you are a nice person who is willing to give me a chance - which is why I want to share some experience and advice with you.

This weekend, I got a date with the boy I previously mentioned. I thought I wouldn't pursue it but as chances were, I did. There's a sense of vulgarity there, that I said one thing and did another. Hypocrisy, you might even say. But it was a moment of weakness, of loneliness, of validation.

Things went well, escalated at a rate I couldn't control. And he mentions that he has another girl in his life.

Immediately I pull away.

What does he mean?

I was naive. I assumed exclusivity was a given in any relationship. I made a mistake.

But then he made an offer.

He said, "I'm not expecting anything from you. If you want, we could do anything."

I'm a vulnerable person and I hate being that way. I knew I would cave if I answered, so I did what I could in the situation. I delayed my answer and said I needed time to think.

Someone wise once said that if you hesitate, then the answer is usually no. I disagree. I think that giving yourself time and space will let you come to an answer that you will not regret. Sure, I'm an emotional person who gets swayed easily but I am not impulsive. Those are completely different things.

At the moment, things are still unresolved. I feel sick thinking about it, about him. I know it's bad. I know I should refuse. I just don't know how.

I feel stupid and used even though we didn't do anything. But just the moments of intimacy, the fact that he made a move despite being in some form of a relationship, the way he said that he liked me; all of it feels so fabricated now. I need some form of outlet.

I don't know if anybody will read this, or if you're even willing to give advice on the matter. But I am torn to bits. 

Where My Efforts Go

Dear lovely people reading this,

I feel exceedingly bad that this blog - although it does document my journey in life and growing personality - has become a place for me to complain about the issues in my life. I never hope to use the word 'unfair' here. It's not a concept I believe in and I don't think it would benefit me or you darling readers in any way. At the same time, I don't want to sugar-coat things and tell you my life is going great because that would be lying - which I am 100% against.

So what am I going to rant about today? Well, it's something that upset me today.

As you know, I write a lot. In a day, I probably write a minimum of 10,000 words - but that's because I'm an English student and it's expected of me. Also, I'm not saying that any of my 10,000 words will be any good. They usually end up in the bin. I put in a lot of effort into my writing because I enjoy it and I really do think it's an outlet for me, especially creative writing. So you can imagine why it's such a big shock for me when I get my essay back and the feedback literally says: 'needs proofreading'.

Excuse me while I mentally choke something.

I'm not angry at my teacher, just at myself. Because damn it, I proofread so many times and I still make mistakes.

And while I was having a mini-meltdown in the classroom, I realised that I've been spending too much time in the world of fanfiction (again). This essay that I wrote was half-filled with concepts and ideas that I used in my own creative writing. And that was when my anger dissipated into disappointment, then into embarrassment, then into shame.

How could I have been so stupid as to neglect my own education?

Yet I can't leave my blog, or my fanfiction, or my poetry, or my reading alone. They genuinely bring me joy. How was I supposed to give it all up?

It doesn't help that one of my best friends who lives far away from me sent me a message saying she was worried about me. She certainly had the right to be, but I was more concerned by the fact that I had been seen through. Even miles away, she could see something was wrong. And I was touched by her concern.

I've felt like nothing's gone right these past few months. I feel like I've made no progress and that really demoralises me. When I thought that there was someone out there who cared, it made me desperate. I instantly wanted to reconnect with her. I don't know if you've ever felt this starved for human contact in your life, but it's a pretty sad thing.

I don't want to rely on her, but I also don't want to be sad. So I decided not to see her.

Maybe I'll regret it later. Maybe, like the essay, I'll realise I made a horrific mistake. Maybe I won't. But at least this is my decision.

Do you think this is a twisted way of thinking? Because sometimes I do. I feel like I've gone too far with this. Yet at the same time i can't stop. It's addictive to 'be yourself'. It's addictive to find myself, even when I'm buried ten feet under.

I don't plan to stop - with writing either. And I can only hope you don't give up on me.

Where Ideas Flow

Today, I am going to talk about my writing, specifically fanfiction. Mainly because it's my main hobby and a side-job, but also because I find it extremely challenging.

Nowadays I'm trying to write freely. (Meaning that I write whatever springs to mind: fanfiction, poetry, prose fiction, journals, blogs.) It does help keep me sane. 

So in these past weeks I have been updating my profiles on both fanfiction.net and archiveofourown. (Please feel free to look me up and read some bad writing. It's under the same name.) But with being active on the internet, I found that I've become more prone to judging myself and listening to other's opinions instead of my own. 

I don't know if you've heard of 'Anna Karenina', or even if you've tried to read it. Actually, no. Don't read it. It's long and dull. But I had to, and with reading came research. The author of 'Anna Karenina', Leo Tolstoy, serialized the chapters of his massive novel. And with each chapter, he listened to the reviews of his readership and then adjusted the plot or the theme or the characterisation. 

My question is: Is that really his own writing if he was influenced by others?

You could argue that writing a 350,000 word novel and a gay fanfiction is very different, but I say that writing is writing. 

I don't know if I should be swayed.

And the harsh critics have a point. But it's my decision whether to compromise or not. I feel extremely conflicted, because I love my reviews. Absolutely adore their opinion. But I also love my writing. 

Writing is my way of expression. Should I really be so daunted by the fact that other people want to change it? 

There are so many questions that linger in the air, and it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I open up a word document and stare at the blank page for a full minute, wondering if I should be writing at all. And if I did write, would it be any good? Would anybody else find it good? Is it worth the trouble?

I started writing because I enjoyed it - and because I was desperate to get Mikan and Natsume marry. That was when I was very young. Even now, I remember how elated I was when I got my first ever review. I felt valued. And now, I don't really know if I'm writing for readers or for myself. 

My latest endeavors: How To Tell Your Brother You've Been Dating His Best Friend and How to Babysit Lovino Vargas, have been received positively. And I am so glad they are because I worked quite hard on them. I am also adamant that my planning stay what it is, so that I will not change my opinion. 

Fanfiction is wonderful for me because the characters already exist but I get the chance to make them my own. It's like borrowing a costume and acting out my own scenes. While it's so much fun for me, I feel as though I'll hit a wall soon. And once I do, people will turn away from my writing. 

That would be the absolute tragedy. 

So tell me, what should I do? 

Where do I find the place I can write? Where my ideas can flow freely? Where I feel free? 

Where I Am Snowed In

So it seems even the world doesn't want me to have a date.

Storm Emma hit everyone in Scotland hard, but it hit me right in the heart.

I'm stranded in my room with barely any food, but I'm glad that I'm with flatmates whom I trust. People have raided the tiny Tesco metro close to where I live and I am not venturing any further out at risk of death. It's been tough living on potatoes for the past two days but I know it's been worse for others. I hope everybody is safe and warm.

Getting back to the question at hand, I have no idea where my courage went. It seems the storm blew it away. And I'm terrified of finding it again.

Worst part is, I found out he's going to leave this year. That leaves me with two months, barely any time to get to know somebody you like. I can feel the motivation ebbing away.

I need advice. Maybe I should call a therapist. You may be thinking: why not ask your friends? Because they're either snakes or they're too busy dating. I can't believe this has become my life.

I don't remember a time in my life where I was so devoid of friendship. My flatmates feel the same way and you would think that might unite us, but no. We seem to live our lives peacefully and individually. We come together for dinner, for a small blether, but never anything more.

I wish somebody out there could give me something more. Anybody. Man, I am way too desperate. That's definitely not going to work for the dating scene.

Where I Am Terrified

I'm scared of a lot of things: puppets, losing things, making life-changing decision... The list goes on.

So one of the things I'm going to tackle is my fear. And to do so requires courage. 

This was a quote I remembered from Princess Diaries, but apparently it's from Roosevelt. All the more impressive I guess. 

Basically what I've done is pick something I know is within my limitations here at university. So I choose to confront pain and embarrassment, through joining the Jujitsu club. (It's a Japanese martial art, not to be confused with Brazilian style jujitsu.) I thought that by joining, I could maybe overcome some of the fear that has become part of me. I always watch those dramatic moments when somebody realises that they have overcome their weakness through fighting, so I thought: let's try that. 

The purpose of jujitsu was to bring balance to my life by unbalancing me. It's a wonderful paradox. But that's all on paper. I did not expect it to be what it was. 

Jujitsu involves a lot of pain. And I thought the worst part would be getting hurt. It's not; it's hurting other people. 

Administering pain takes more courage than receiving pain. I'm pretty sure with the amount of screw-ups I've had by now, nobody wants to be my partner. Controlling how much pain you give is not pleasant, neither is it easy. There's a reason why there aren't many black belts floating about. 

Joining meant a commitment (which I am also afraid of) but it also meant being part of a group. I have been alone for so long I thought it would be awkward to blend in with other people. But the positive side of me thought it would be a good idea to join in the socials anyway, try to be approachable. I maintained this outlook, until I met - I can't even say it. I've been laughed at so many times for being unable to utter that damn word. It's what you call a senior/upperclassman in Japanese. 

He was - is still - very nice. And he made me feel cared for. He's honestly the reason I joined (but I'll never tell him that). 

He kept talking to me even though I was afraid of opening my mouth. He reached out, literally, to take my hand - just to look at my nonexistent muscles. He shared the same interest in poetry as me, which was a pleasant surprise. I feel like I took advantage of that so I concentrated my all on training. No matter where I was on the mat, I would always keep my eyes away from him. 

Thus, began my days of physical and mental torture, where I humiliated myself by being unable to do a back roll and then staying silent while everybody else around me sang and danced. I would wake up in the morning for lectures and feel my back straining. Sometimes I would end up with a lace of bruises around me. I kept slamming my head on the mat too - likely that didn't bruise. 

For our warm-ups, everybody gets into a circle to practice break falls and I would always be in the center, for everyone to watch as I failed. I mean, you could say it's an opportunity to overcome my fear of self-consciousness. Or you could say it's just cruel. 

But honestly, I'm sure you guys don't care about the specifics of jujitsu and my ongoing training. The truth is, I'm not either. You might think I'm being disrespectful, but this is a step forward in my journey to find myself. 

I, for the first time in my life, am going to ask a guy out. 

I know. It's stupid. It's not even a milestone at my age, but I'm scared anyway. I even thought about getting drunk and just calling him. It might make it easier. 

My heart is thumping just thinking about it. I've decided I'll ask tomorrow. Utter rejection is a step in the right direction, so is surprise acceptance. I need to keep in mind that I'm just asking him out - I'm not asking for his hand in marriage. I need to calm down. 

I feel really immature and ugly today. I feel dumb and superficial. I feel tired. 

I want somebody to do everything for me. I want some response, you know? God, I'm praying to you if it counts. Please, let it be. 

So how much do you guys bet I'll chicken out? 

I can't think like that, huh? I just have to go out and do it. At least you guys can be sure that I'll be documenting this as I go through it. And please, do feel free to give me advice because I sure as heck don't have any for myself.